All Things Vampire

J. Clayton here bringing you the second in our Guest Author series.

This month I’m pleased to welcome Marc Vun Kannon as my–our–blog guest. Adrian–aka Mr. Vampire with the Seriously Narrow Mind–fought me this one. After I told him I was inviting a werewolf author, a heated conversation followed–

Adrian: “What part of All Things Vampire don’t you understand?”

Me: “And what part of All Things Vampire don’t you understand? Just ‘cuz vampires exist and werewolves don’t…

(In case our readers have forgotten, vampires are real, but werewolves are fictional creatures.)

Me: “…doesn’t mean you should exclude them. Besides appearing together in a lot of movies, werewolves and vampires have existed together in some early myths, hence the appropriateness of the topic for the blog.”

Adrian: “I didn’t know that.”

Me (grinning hugely): “Shows how much–or how little–you know. Dogbreath.”

With that nastiness out of the way, I’m pleased to welcome Marc to the fold.  And I’m posting this on the day of the full moon.

JC: Marc, I checked out your website. You’ve certainly produced a mélange of material. Before we get to that, tell our readers how you got started in writing and what you’ve written so far.

MVK: I got started in writing many years ago, when I had a couple of dreams one night. When I told my wife about them she said they sounded like they would make a good book. The story which eventually became Unbinding the Stone started writing itself through me a few weeks later. As I wrote it, it got larger and spilled over into a second Tarkas novel, called A Warrior Made. About that time I also got the idea for St. Martin’s Moon but that wasn’t so cooperative with me. Instead I wrote a large number of short stories, usually because someone asked me to. I wrote “Chasing His Own Tale,” “Steampunk Santa,” and “Off the Map” because my publisher asked for them, while “Boys Will Be Boys,” “Ex Libris,” and “Undermind” were written as contest entries.

JC: You recently did a vampire short story. Tell us about that.

MVK: That story is called “Bite Deep.” I was asked to write a story about fire for an anthology, and somehow that translated as vampires at Christmas. Did I mention it was the month before Christmas? Anyway, I wrote the whole thing at a breakneck speed, and somehow came out with the Christmas story, redone with a vampire cast, that combined several of the world’s major mythologies into its backstory. That Christmas, the vampires got a savior of their own.

JC: Great. Are there any other vampires in your stories?

MVK: Yes, although it took a bit to realize that. When I was writing my second novel, A Warrior Made, I realized that at some point I had created a creature that drains blood to consume the life it carries in it, is dead, has cheated Death, and therefore cannot appear under any sun. I call him a proto-vampire, since he lacks many of the other standard characteristics, but he’s a fore-runner.

JC: Now, tell us a little about your latest novel, St. Martin’s Moon, the one with werewolves on the moon. I find that both intriguing and amusing.

MVK: St. Martin’s Moon is a werewolf adventure set on a lunar colony. The story follows Earth’s greatest werewolf hunter, who is recalled to space service to investigate a werewolf attack on the Moon, an event they considered impossible.

JC: How did werewolves get on the moon, or where they always there?

MVK: They went up there voluntarily, hoping to find a refuge from “the curse” in the one spot in the solar system where there is no full Moon in the sky. But something goes wrong, and two of the colonists are found dead and shredded. They send for an investigator, and get the best Earth and the Space Service has to offer, which in their view is the worst thing that could happen.

JC: What type of werewolves are we talking about here? Traditional or non-traditional.

MVK: Completely traditional. I’m a bit of a purist when it comes to my monsters, although some students of werewolf lore wouldn’t consider the Universal model to be especially pure. But it’s the lore I grew up with, and to me a werewolf is Lawrence Talbot, trying to deal with the curse. Unfortunately traditional werewolves are little more than killing machines, so there’s not a lot to do with them. St. Martin’s Moon is about the people who become werewolves, and the person who has to hunt them, both sides knowing that werewolves are normally innocent people and hating what they have to do because of “the curse.” Both sides dream of a cure, but neither expects one.

JC: But there are no vampires in this particular fictional world. Right?

MVK: No. Which is why it’s fictional, because obviously, the, um, real world has… it has– In fact, there’s a specific reference to a story about them, which one of the people on the base finds especially unsettling. He can’t imagine a man becoming a creature that would consciously go out and kill men, who wouldn’t kill themselves in a heartbeat. Can you imagine? Well, I suppose you could. Anyway, Marquand (the werewolf hunter in the novel) points out that they wouldn’t have any heartbeats to see the sunrise in, but I don’t think the guy got the joke. Of course that’s all it was, a joke.

JC: You sounded a little nervous there, Marc. I understand. Don’t worry, we’re not gonna send out a vamp hit squad to silence you. So how did you come up with this intriguing idea of werewolves on the moon?

MVK: Completely spur of the moment. I was looking at a book on a shelf, with the title Blood Moon. I immediately thought, “Wow, a werewolf adventure on a lunar colony! Cool!” It wasn’t, but the idea was set. Of course, as the story was being written, it changed considerably. What had been intended as a mystery/horror story ended up becoming a Science Fiction Romance. Twice over, since the colony was also haunted, and one of the ghosts was Marquand’s lover, killed on the Moon years before.

JC: I find it interesting that in our previous interview with author Scott Gamboe, he had a similar flash of an idea for his sci-fi vampire novel. Okay, where can readers learn more about you and where can they buy the book?

MVK: For the stories I’ve already written, they can go to my website, http://www.marcvunkannon.com and they will find FAQs, reviews, and links to all of my stories in most of the places where they are available, and believe me it’s quite a variety. Many of my stories are available through Amazon for the Kindle, several are available through BN.com for the Nook, and they are also available in a multitude of formats through both OmniLit.com and Smashwords.com, if you read ebooks on other devices. For paper copies Amazon is the best bet.

For the stories I’m currently writing, and I always seem to have a few in progress, I mostly talk about those on my blog, http://authorguy.wordpress.com. St. Martin’s Moon has been released already as an ebook, and soon will be available through Amazon as a paperback.

JC: What are some of your favorite novels?

MVK: Well, before St. Martin’s Moon came out, I would have said Lois McMaster Bujold’s Curse of Chalion is my absolute favorite. I’d probably still say that now, but it’s a more difficult choice.

Lawrence Watt-Evans’ Misenchanted Sword is the first of his that I read, and one of my first exposures to a story where the hero isn’t a mighty warrior and doesn’t want to be. Dave Duncan’s Seventh Sword Trilogy is similar in that regard, and also one of the best stories of a primitive world encountering higher technology I’ve ever seen.

I love Hoffman’s Thread that Binds the Bones, mainly for one character who starts out evil, recognizes a good thing when he’s exposed to it, and deliberately chooses to make himself worthy of it. Tanya Huff’s Summon the Keeper is a favorite, but I’ll read anything by her.

JC: Care to share what you’re working on next?

MVK: My current most vocal project (the one that shouts loudest and demands I write it the most) is a story called Ghostkiller, about a man whose job it is to kill ghosts for a living. I’m up to chapter five now, and it’s starting to get weird.

I have the third Tarkas book, the sequel to A Warrior Made, but no vampires in that one either.

I have three other stories I’m working on, all vampire stories, in which they figure out ways to see themselves in mirrors and thereby elude the… um… or another one I have, about a vampire who feeds off a space alien and ends up going out into space. I also have one in which the vampire condition is affected by the biochemistry of the person, so they don’t all feed on the same blood. Some want rabbit, others want wolf. The bad ones are the ones who need blood that no longer exists, like dinosaur.

JC: Interesting. Any advice to other writers out there?

MVK: There are only two rules I’ve ever found. The first is to pay attention. Everything that you will have to write about, every piece of story you will have, has its origin in the things that happen to you, and the stories you tell yourself about them. Second, try not to do what you have seen done before. This is paying attention to the stories you’ve read or seen, recognizing those scenes when they appear in your own work, and finding ways to handle them differently. There may be only 7 or 20 or 36 plots in the world, but there are an infinite number of characters, and each of those characters will see those few ordinary plots in an infinite number of extraordinary ways.

JC: If there’s anything I’ve left out or anything else you’d care to share, please add it.

MVK: Yes. Please don’t kill me.

JC: Hey. We’re civilized vampires. We don’t maim and kill. But if you’re ever in Detroit, let me know and I’ll have you over for dessert. It’s the least I can do.

April 15 is income tax day and my birthday.  I used to question the significance of that, but finally chalked it up to weird coincidence.

Since it’s my birthday and I’m allowed to do anything I want–Jonathan agrees and says he’ll be nice to me today–I’m gonna make fun of some of the dumb spammers who’ve visited our blog.

In case any spammers out there are reading this and think you can fool us, I’ll tell you right now there is no f-ing way you’re gonna get through my spam blockers, and even if you do manage it, we’ll send your spam into the trash faster than Jonathan can scarf down a large pizza.  And nobody inhales one like he does.

I compiled some of the funniest and most stupid attempts to post to our blog so you can laugh at these dumb spammers, too.  These are exactly as they came in.  The idiots don’t realize that I see their IP address (for you non-techies that’s the Internet location where the computer that posted it is located).  The first real clue to the spam is that most of the user names are not people names (like “preventing hair loss” or “grave memorials”).  The second clue is nonsense writing.  Here are some so you know what I’m talking about.

>>In response to Jonathan’s Gravesite chat–

It absolutely not agree  I know this isn’t precisely on topic, however i’ve a website online is using the same program as well and i am getting troubles with my feedback displaying.  is there a setting i am lacking? it’s possible you could assist me out? thankx.

The author was listed as “lamictal and children.”  Some of the links were for cheap prescription drugs (Cialis is mentioned, something I absolutely do not need, thank you very much), and the IP address is in the Russian federation.  This one tried to sound legit and figured I’d respond to help out–”Not happening, spammer.”

>>Here’s a one in response to our interview with Scott Gamboe–

I wanna be a cowboy, not the fun having cowboy. the literaly working on a farm, up at dawn, bed at dusk, cowboy.

How they pulled that one is a mystery.  Nothing in the interview even mentioned cowboys.  The user name was 02k6878.  Maybe he’s a robot who wants to be cowboy.

>>You gotta wonder about this one in response to, “For sale: One Vampire, slightly used”–

This is theblogI was looking for. It really helped me with my project.

I wonder what kind of project?  The user name is “grave memorials.”  Maybe the spammer is looking to off somebody.  It came from France.  Hmm.  Is something going on in France we should know about?

>>And this comment on Rick Taubold’s review of “Draculas” really makes you wonder–

Very nice topic about dating.  Just what I was trying for.  I was redirected from a online dating site i found on google and landed here.  This websiteabout singles is amazing.

I don’t know about you, but after I read Rick’s review, dating was the last thing on my mind.  Those vampires weren’t the kind I’d wanna be best buds with.  Ever.

>>”Joseph Howard” (no relation to Eli, I’m sure) says he’s enormously troubled regarding the 2012 election.  Aren’t we all, but what’s that got to do with my blog?

>>Another favorite was posted by Toshiba A35-S1592 Battery.  Funny first and last name.  Another robot?

dontactlikeyounever fell in love with a vampire and acted like one in your dreams to be somewhat closer to falling in actual love.

>>Now here’s one that sounds absolutely legit, and actually sounded literate, in response to “The Rules of Vampire Etiquette.”

I recently came across your blog and have been absolutely captivated by your writing.  I thought I would leave my first comment here.  I don’t know what to say, except to say that I have really enjoyed reading this post.  Nice blog and keep up the great work as I will keep visiting this your site often.

Well, almost literate.  This one originated in the U.S.  So, how did we know it was spam?  Well, the author is “Eat Stop Eat Diet.”  It even came through a legit website www.eatstopeatreviewsite.com.  It’s a review of a diet book on fasting and has nothing to do with our rules of vampire etiquette.  Of course, fasting is not something Jonathan, the pizza vacuum, or I are ever going to practice.  We don’t need blood every day, but fasting would not be a pretty sight.

>>Finally, there was one for bleeding hemorrhoids treatment.  That one was a real pain in the ass.

We’re not heartless on our blog, though.  If a reader contacts us about posting a link (check out “Crush the Castle”), or if we see one we think would be of interest, we’ll post it in Friends’ Links or wherever.  You can also email us directly with questions or comments, shadowhawk at rochester dot rr dot com.

I’d better get going.  Jonathan, the dear boy, has organized a ginormous birthday party for me tonight and invited all our friends.  For sure, Drake Radley, Karry Preston, Teddy Anthony are coming with their significant others.  Jonathan’s got a date, too.  As for me, well, I won’t be sleeping alone tonight, and I probably won’t be sleeping at all.

Our next blog will feature another vampire author.  Stay tuned.

Don’t forget to file your tax return.  The government vampires expect seven-course meals, with dessert.  They don’t do snacks, and they certainly don’t fast.

–A.S.

J Clayton here, doing what the ever-absent Adrian Shadowhack has been failing to do for all of our loyal blogees.  I’m usurping the blog until he gets his head screwed back on and accepts responsibility.

His answer is always “I’ll get to it.”  He was working on one blog called “Why Be a Vampire?” but that hasn’t materialized yet.  And then there is our Guest Author series.  Well, I promise that will begin the first of March.  We’ve got at least a dozen kind vampire authors who volunteered to help out, and he’s letting those good folks down.

Meanwhile, I decided to bring you a select list of interesting some cemetery and dead things terms and trivia.  You’ve probably seen some of these burial places in movies.  Now you’ll know what they’re called.

CATACOMB– Basically an underground cemetery.  The most famous catacombs were dug by the Christians (and Jews) in Rome partly because they couldn’t afford aboveground burial space and partly because they wanted to maintain their secrecy and burial customs.  There are dozens of catacombs in Rome.  This is really cool stuff.  For more info check out these sites:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catacombs

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catacombs_of_Rome

http://www.catacombe.roma.it/

This last one has a lot of info in it.

CENTOTAPH– A memorial for a dead person who is actually buried somewhere else (the Greek word means “empty tomb”)

More info here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cenotaph

COLUMBARIUM– A building with many small niches in the wall to hold the urns of cremated remains.

CONTUMULATION– Sharing of a grave or tomb, such as where several family members are buried with a single tombstone or marker.

CRYPT– from the Greek for “hidden,”  it’s a stone vault or chamber for burial.  Originally they were under the floor of a church, but they can be anywhere.  (See Mausoleum)

MAUSOLEUM– Not to be confused with a crypt, this is the building or structure that can house crypts or burial chambers.  A mausoleum (plural “mausolea”) can be large or small but is aboveground even though the crypts it houses can be underground beneath it.  The name comes from Mausolus, a Persian governor, whose sister and wife had the Mausoleum of Halicarnassus built.  It was one of the seven wonders of the ancient world.

Interesting info on it here: http://www.unmuseum.org/maus.htm

NECROPHOBIA– Fear of dead things

OSSUARY– Any place for the final remains of multiple human skeletons or bones are put together to save space, but basically it’s just a “bone pit.”

PHILATORY– A transparent reliquary (q.v.)  (I love the term “q.v.”  It’s Latin for “which see” or “see also.”  I’m showing off just ‘cuz Adrian isn’t around to complain about how dumb I make him feel.  He’s really not dumb, though, just lazy sometimes.)

PLACOPHOBIA– Fear of tombstones

POLYANDRIUM– A cemetery, but originally one where the victims of great battles were put.

RELIQUARY– A container used to preserve the relics and/or the physical remains of a saint. (See Philatory)

SARCOPHAGUS– It’s your basic stone coffin, but was designed to remain aboveground.  Here’s the neat thing about it.  The word is Greek and means “flesh eating.”  That’s because the early ones were made of limestone, which was believed to decompose the corpse in it fairly quickly so the coffin could be reused to bury someone else like another family member.  Modern sarcophagi (plural) are usually made of granite or something harder than limestone.

SEPULCHRE–  A burial vault, tomb, or grave; the Latin “sepulcrum” simply meant “a burial place.”

TAPHOPHILE– One who loves cemeteries and funerals

TOMB– Basically a grave, but the word comes from the Greek “tumulus” which means ‘swollen” and referred to the swollen mound that marked gravesites.

VIVISEPULCTURE– Burial alive (ouch!)

There you have J. Clayton’s first Graveside Chat.  I’ll probably do more whenever the Lazy One among us neglects his duty.  I promise at least one more blog post (hopefully by Adrian himself) before the Guest Authors’ posts or interviews begin.  We’ll definitely have at least one of those every month until we run out.  But we’ll also do other posts in between.

Meanwhile, enjoy your newfound vocabulary and cemetery trivia.

–J.C.

Jonathan has been a real pain in my ass during the holidays.  He got a video recorder for Christmas (not from me), and his first creative act was to make a video of me using the song, “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” as background music.  Except he heavily edited the film clips he took of me, and not all the clips of me are actually me.  He did some creative costuming and put a sign on his shirt with my name on it.  I have no idea where he found a wig like that, with the hair all gelled straight up in a bright green peak.  He hung a couple of ornaments on it so it looked like a f-ing Christmas tree, and he wore a half mask, so only the lower half of his face showed.

That stupid song played in the background while he shoved a pair of fake fangs painted red over his own teeth and danced around in time to the music.  And you don’t want to know what evil captions he inserted.  He’s threatened to post it on You Tube unless I let him take my new Vette out for a test drive in the near future.

So, anyone want a seventeen-year-old vampire?  He’s only slightly used.  I’m running a New Year’s special: $19.95 plus shipping and handling.  On the plus side, he’ll give you a good challenge at video games, and he knows his way around computers (no thanks to me), so he can fix yours if it’s broken.  On the down side, his teen appetite may require you to take out a second mortgage for his upkeep.

On second thought, never mind.  I’ll keep him.  I wouldn’t want to inflict that much pain and suffering on other any human.  Besides, I’d probably miss him not being around.

In February, I begin my guest vampire author series (authors who write about vampires not authors who are vampires).  It’s always interesting to see what others think vampires are really like.

Wait a sec, the young pain-in-my-ass has something to add:

Adrian failed to tell you WHY I made the video of him.  When we had all that snow in mid-December, his lazy ass wanted nothing to do with shoveling it, so guess who had to so our friends could come and visit?

Whatever.  They were his friends, not mine.

Merry New Year to everyone listening.  Next week’s blog post will be “Perks and Caveats to Being a Vampire.” 

And don’t forget to include donating to the Red Cross in your New Year’s resolutions.

–A.S.

Dear vampire fans,

I deeply apologize for the delay since my last post here.  I’ve been out of the country on Vampire Council business.

Alex D asked in a previous comment how others of my kind would feel about me doing this blog, and I flippantly (Jonathan suggested this word) said I had it covered.  The truth is we do have to be careful because we have enemies.  Some of us, though, are attempting a vampire awareness campaign.  I don’t have much faith in that working.  Our historically soiled image is going to be hard to change.

So, in the spirit of information, I’m posting some of the rules we’re supposed to live by along with Mine and Jonathan’s interpretations.  Also in the spirit of free speech, I did not censor Jonathan’s remarks.  Wait until he wants me to buy him some expensive piece of new technology, then we’ll see how repentant he gets.

ELI’S RULES OF VAMPIRE ETIQUETTE

(1)  Don’t let humans know what you are.

(2)  Don’t read minds uninvited.

(3)  Don’t feed on humans without their consent–anonymous donor sources are always preferable.

(4)  Always practice safe sex.  Though it’s rare, we can sire children with humans.

(5)  And never have fun being a vampire.  (Eli never said this, but Rules 1-4 pretty much ensure you won’t have fun.  Ever.)

ADRIAN SHADOWHAWK’S RULES OF VAMPIRE ETIQUETTE

(1)  Truth in advertising.  Women like to know what they’re getting (and how good they’re going to get it).

(2)  Why waste your telepathic skills?  In a cut-throat game of poker with humans, they’re out to take your money.  Teach them humility.  “Live long and prosper” is the vampire motto.  We’re going to live long, so we need to prosper.

(3)  Fresh is always better than canned.

(4)  Safe sex?  Yeah, I practice it, but it’s such a shame when you’ve got a body part that awesome to cover it up.

(5)  If you can’t have fun, why be a vampire?

JONATHAN CLAYTON’S RULES OF VAMPIRE ETIQUETTE

(1)  Vampires only eat red meat, never white meat unless it’s extra crispy.

(2)  Vampires don’t eat vegetables unless they’re on an extra-large, thick-crust, meat-lover’s pizza with everything and buried in cheese.

(3)  It’s okay to read Adrian’s mind ‘cuz he’s a tard.  And he can’t stop me anyway.

(4)  Always help elderly folks–and Adrian–cross the street.

(5)  Make Adrian laugh while he’s drinking Pepsi ‘cuz then he’ll blow Pepsi out his nose.  He hates when that happens ‘cuz he’s such a wuss.  And a pig.

 (6)  Always be nice to humans, ‘cuz it’s the right thing to do.

 (And donate to the Red Cross, ‘cuz that’s a cool thing, too.)

     Vampires.  That’s what I’m about.  My name’s Adrian Shadowhawk, and I’m a vampire.

     First, you should understand that real-life vampires are nothing like the ones you read about in all that vampire fiction.  That comes from legends and wild imaginations of people like Bram Stoker.  The vampires of fiction are pretty much…fiction.

     We’re not bad-asses (mostly not, anyway).  We do live a long, peaceful fang-free existence.  And while it’s fanciful to think of us as undead, immortal, and predatory, that’s mostly not true, either.

     I’m sure some of you are already screaming, “Foul!”  There’s also no point in getting all pissed off that we don’t live up to your expectations of what vampires are.  We are what we are, and no amount of wishing or fantasizing on your part is going to change that.  Still, I find it nice at times to be romanticized and made larger than life.  That’s the vampire pride in me.

     If it makes you feel better, think of us as alternative vampires.  Ignore us, if you want.  Most vampires don’t care because they’d rather be left alone and treated as humans.  We are still human, although some among us think it’s blasphemy to say that.  Or you can simply not believe in us.  Just remember that old saying though.  “You might not believe in vampires, but they believe in you.”

     So, what’s the purpose of my blog?  Well, since we’re such a popular topic, I thought I’d create a gathering place for you, humans, to talk to us, vampires.  While I’m at it, I’ll be lining up some authors of vampire fiction as guest bloggers in the months ahead.  I’ll have a few vampire guests, too.

     I’ve also invited Chris Hosey and Rick Taubold to blog here because they’re the ones telling our story in the Mortal Vampires Trilogy.  Check out the website www.vampiresinc.net for more information on that.

     In future blogs I’ll be sharing some inside information and talking about vampire literature–with help from other authors, like I said.  Feel free to leave comments, ask questions, and to suggest topics you’d like to discuss, and I’ll do my best to find answers and guests to accommodate you.  Even though I’m a vampire, that doesn’t mean I’m an expert on vampire literature and lore.  At some point I’ll be sharing how Chris and Rick came to tell my story.  I’ll probably post that on my website because it’s too long for a blog.

     Jonathan Clayton says hi.  He’s my blog co-host.  You’ll be hearing from him, too.  One of us will be here every week at least.

     I have only one rule here: Everybody should play nice.  This is my blog, and I’ll kick out anyone who doesn’t show respect to the vampires or humans blogging or commenting here.

     Here’s a piece of vampirely advice: Keep your doors locked at night.  We don’t need an invite to pay you a visit.

     Meanwhile, if you want to do something nice for vampires, donate to the Red Cross.  They need blood, too.